I am sitting at a coffee shop preparing to dream up things that people find of value, but the vulnerability I am feeling at the moment, the truly unstable ground under my feet, and the uncertainty of who I am is overwhelming, so I distract myself by looking at social media. This somehow connects me intimately with the world. There is the synchronicity and the gratitude of this moment that suggests meaning, yet the thought just before I saw your name was that I have nothing to offer. This cancer is a catalyst opening up something much greater than the cancer itself. This cocoon I have built around me is crumbling and I am becoming aware of how disabled I am on all levels. Behind my eyes, the oceans swell and my head, my logic, my reasoning, they are like pieces of a broken boat lost in an endless storm. I’ll come to the shore eventually, but knowing that means nothing really because when that day comes, I won’t remember who I was and I will be someone else when on the other side. I look forward to that day, but right now I am a pile of mush. My brain’s not functioning, my energy field is full of holes, gollygeewillikers...I’m a mess.
So Anyhoo, I am hopeful that by the end of this letter I will feel empowered once again and reborn in a sense, and perhaps then, I can develop something to offer you because that’s all that matters, that I can give.
I have three things to tell you:
1. I absolutely love you
2. you just rock this world!
3. I want to be a honeybee on a small farm in the middle of nowhere.
I hope this stimulates some thought in you because right now I am the humble student and everyone is my teacher, so please write back with some of your wisdom and school me!!
Another little hope is that this inspires you to be you and more of you than you have ever been!
Once again, thank you for your generous support. I am hoping this encourages the metamorphosis of me and you to be a servant to all the sentient beings.
Much love, sweethome